Right now I am writing, unsure if this will ever be seen by anyone but me (guess I decided to post yikes). I think a lot & I’m full of all of these thoughts that I usually never share because I’m awkward & shy despite what people might think of me. I don’t know what has been going on this year, but it’s a lot. I have mentally dealt with so much in such a short period of time I feel so overwhelmed, so I write in hopes that if this is ever actually put into the universe, it helps someone.
Someone asked me if I was okay the other day & I wanted to just cry. First of all, I was surprised I looked that much of a mess for it to be apparent that I wasn't. Second, it was nice to know that someone even cared to ask. Always smile at everyone, you never know what they're going through. I may not be facing the hardest things in the grand scheme of it all, but mentally I always have a lot going on. One of my favorite sayings is "Just because someone is in a full-body cast, doesn't mean your broken arm doesn't hurt." If you can relate to this, maybe you suppress your feelings too. I personally will always take being the listening ear over the one venting about my problems, but sometimes a girl just needs a hug. I always try to remain optimistic & happy so I can be an uplifting & inspiring example to girls, but as I get older I’d rather girls relate with me & know they can talk to me rather than think I have a perfect life, because I don’t, & no one does.
Social media has been messing with my mind lately. I delete Instagram, Twitter, & Snapchat off my phone constantly only to redownload it because I literally have an online business that needs all of my attention. I am so grateful & love doing what I do but I had no idea I’d be diving so deep into the online world, sometimes it’s scary. It has become so easy to put family, school, & self-care in the “I’ll do that later'' pile & work on the business, but I know that’s not healthy to do without breaks. I have found myself looking at all of these pictures & it’s really morphed my reality & perception of myself. Real quick I just want to say to all my girls, if you don’t have a Louis Vuitton Neverfull Tote & you work two jobs & go to school rather than travel to 13 states in one month like that one girl on Instagram that seems perfect, it’s okay. You’re beautiful & you are accomplishing as much as you can during this time, & remember social media is a highlight reel, not a reality.
I have been back in school for over a month since winter break & I couldn’t tell you one thing I’ve learned because I’ve been so disconnected from it. I am writing this mostly just to help anyone out there that feels inferior and like they’re not doing enough even if they’re running themselves into the ground trying to make it. I promise you’re doing fine. I’m the QUEEN of perfectionism & overthinking like I promise I’ve run through the situation in my head at least 20 times before it actually occurs in real life, or even if it never even happens haha.
I have so much love in my heart I feel trapped because I haven’t given it to anyone lately. I have been on a break from pageants which has me feeling disconnected from my community & I’ve really come to realize that I am the happiest when I am able to help people & give back. Talking to people & being around people is what really makes me feel fulfilled, so I’m looking for ways to do that & excited to come up with something.
I just wanted to remind any girl (or guy) that reads this that is feeling lost or like they aren’t moving fast enough, you are doing just fine. Society makes us think we need to have it all at 24 or we are a failure. Your value isn’t placed in what you have accomplished so far, just see the end goal & appreciate the journey as you work towards it. Sometimes people just need one sign to keep pushing or one thing to resonate with them to push them to chase after their dreams, because anything is possible. Quit trying to be like someone else & just start owning all the things that make you who you are. God literally designed you with perfection in mind, & if that’s not enough to convince you that you’re worthy, I don’t know what is.