Lack of communication can end a lot of beautiful things, or prevent amazing things from ever happening. Dating is something I have never touched base on, but I have learned so much about myself being single that I want to share things that might help other girls because it can be so lonely. This past year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have lost so many people that were in my life, & I have lost people that I wanted so badly to be a part of it.
I never knew what to expect after getting out of a long-term relationship, but it wasn’t what I have gone through thus far. I didn’t understand that you were supposed to ignore the people you are interested in or hurt them because you like them. I didn’t realize the impact an opened Snapchat or ignored text message would have on my heart, it consumed me for so long. I have so much love to offer to the people that allow for it. I could never & still will never grasp how we have created such a toxic standard when it comes to dating.
The craziest part has been coming to terms with the fact that people truly come & go, no matter how bad you want them to stay. I have experienced so much hurt from people in such a short period that I wanted to give up, I couldn’t focus on school, I didn’t have motivation & my creativity that usually flows so freely was completely blocked. There were so many nights I laid alone looking at my ceiling with music blasting just trying to feel anything.
Being a goal-oriented girl of high standards & morals, I got so hung up on someone not seeing my value. I was & still am healing from something that broke me down to something I was never supposed to be, & never thought I would be. As hard as it is for me to say I have been at such a low point because I am strong, I know it is worth it because if it makes even one girl feel less alone on her journey in love, then my vulnerability is worth it.
To this day I am not sure if even the people that are closest to me understand the hurt & the pain my heart has endured this past year. There is no reason for them to, but my point is that people can see & understand the struggle you are facing, be there to support you, & still not understand the depths of your pain. That gets so lonely, & as someone that is perceived to have a perfect life, my life is so far from perfect.
I had always known that I got nervous in certain settings & I had phases where I would be more sad than usual, but until my mental health truly plummeted into depths where I struggled swimming, I didn’t realize the severity of what anxiety & depression can do to a person. I have always been so full of life & such a dreamer, but I found myself staring at my reflection not recognizing who was looking back at me. Everything seemed so dull & it is so ironic because I have always leaned so heavily on the phrase “never let anyone dull your sparkle.” but my sparkle got taken away from me & I had to fight to gain my power back with the last little bit of strength I had.
My family has never been very emotionally invested in me, so I am so grateful to have had amazing friends during this time, because I know I could not have written this chapter alone, & for those of you that have been there to hold me when I needed it, I am so grateful for you. I just want to encourage the next girl, that no person is worth losing yourself in. I am never going to be the girl that stands behind a superficial exterior to try & prove that she has no issues. Perfect lacks purpose, & I know that if I don’t live my life in light to help others, I will never truly live.
Even though some people seem perfect & worth it, never let a cycle develop of toxicity. It is so important to set boundaries & not bend the standards you have in place. The right man will meet you there even when they are high. I am speaking this to myself as well because anyone I have let in, did not ever deserve access to me. It is hard not to blame myself for the treatment I have allowed & the things I have been through, but I know that it was meant for me to endure for some reason.
Through it all, the quote “pain into power” has flashed through my mind over & over. I used to be so mad, I would walk on the treadmill blasting music looking blankly ahead of me knowing there was a reason this was all happening, I just had to stay strong. There have been so many fighting moments because when you lose sight of who you are, you lose sight of almost everything that sets your soul on fire. It’s like your mind goes into fight mode because it has to do everything it can to simply fight for you.
Now that I have experienced such things, I hope that anyone that can’t relate has a softer heart when they see someone struggling. I used to not understand how people lacked ambition, but as an ambitious person that has now gone through something that could have been so detrimental, I will do everything I can to always be the person I needed for someone else. The world needs more kindness & more transparency, authenticity will always prevail. This year has been beyond humbling & I know that one day it will all make sense, it is all a part of the journey. Everything happens in divine timing & to understand that creates hope & faith in the future, & if you are struggling with those things right now, I hope this is your sign to keep pushing. You are worthy & you are still here because you have a purpose to fulfill.
I never thought I would be able to write this & share it with the world, but now that I am, I know I am not just stepping into a new chapter, but taking my power back.
Through these hard times, hold on, because one day you will be strong enough to let go <3